What's Wrong With Me?

I ran into walls.

Over time, it got worse. Imagine the look on a complete stranger’s face when I run into them with my grocery cart. Maybe I should yell, “Coming through!” when I start down an aisle.

I did what any self-respecting person would do: I ignored it.

Life became a challenge. Corners were particularly difficult and I was decorated with bruises to prove it. If I stood still for long, I slowly fell backward. One evening, I walked up to a chair, turned around, and sat down. All in one fluid motion. Sounds simple enough, right?

Not.

For a few seconds, I had no idea where my body was. Was I standing? Was I sitting? Was I floating? I freaked out! Something was seriously wrong. I went to a neurologist. It’s probably an ear-nose-throat problem, she said.

The ENT finished his tests and declared me normal. On to an optometrist. Normal. A cardiologist. Again, normal.

Excuse me? When did running into walls and falling down backward become normal?

I pleaded with God to heal me but there was no answer; at least none I could hear. My fear of the unknown drowned out His voice.

 I felt totally overwhelmed and abandoned. What was wrong with me? Was I going to get worse? Why wasn't God answering? 

I went back to the neurologist and she ordered an MRI. At my follow-up appointment, she showed me the images of a large lesion buried deep in the left side of my brain. 

How did I respond? I isolated myself; only close family knew. My friends might ask, “What caused it? What’s the treatment?” Saying, “No one knows and they can’t treat me until they do,” frightened me even more. So, I kept quiet.

Warning: Never do that! Satan moves in and fills you with hopelessness and despair. Would I be in a wheelchair soon? Would I lose my mental capabilities and become like a child?  The enemy had a field day!

God whispered, “You can’t do this alone.” Slowly, I shared with my church family. They covered me in prayer and, even now, they continue to pray. God uses them to bring me peace and to help me stand on my faith when I can’t see tomorrow.

On to a neuro-specialist who works with weird brain issues. She took me out into a hall and told me to walk around. It was comical I’m sure, but no one laughed. I told her I hadn’t had near enough beer to cause this. We both laughed; Christian authors aren’t supposed to get fall-down drunk.

After a super-duper MRI, she told me the good news: my spinal column’s in great shape for my age. Bad news: There is a lesion and she’d not seen one like it before. More good news: it’s not cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, or damage from a seizure or stroke. She'd confer with other specialists and see me again soon.

Great! Even a lesion specialist can’t figure out what’s wrong!

On the second visit, she still had no diagnosis, but she did have an explanation. Our bodies have a human GPS system but mine doesn't work. It doesn’t sense a nearby wall so I run into it. It doesn’t recognize I’ve turned a corner or changed positions. God created such a marvelous system, but mine backfired.

It’s been two years now and still no diagnosis. The specialist says I’m stable because no new lesions have appeared. Stable? I don’t know if another lesion will appear tomorrow, in 5 years, or never. Will my memory issues increase? I don't feel stable.

The unknown is frightening, but nothing’s truly unknown. 
The Lord of the Universe knows all my days and holds me in His hand. The assurance of His love and presence carries me from day to day. I  walk an unknown path physically, but God's guidance stabilizes my heart and mind every day.

No matter what you face, remember, God's with you and He’s going before you. Cling to His hand and He'll bring you through.

Your turn:
Are you on a long road with uncertain days ahead? How has God walked with you and strengthened you?